New Jersey, we’ve all done it — and it has a name

I am going to describe something and I want you to be honest with yourself.

You are sitting across from someone -- a friend, a spouse, a family member, maybe a first date who seemed promising. You are mid-sentence. Something important, something funny, something you have been wanting to say all day. And then you watch their eyes drift down. Their hand moves to the table. The screen lights up.

You are still talking. But nobody is listening anymore.

You know exactly what that feels like. Most of us have also been on the other side of it -- guilty, distracted, telling ourselves we will just check this one thing. I once did it at a romantic anniversary dinner. It did not go well. The dog house, it turns out, has very poor ambiance.

What I did not know until recently is that this behavior has an official name.  (Yeah, I think I am late to the party on knowing this offical name, but certanly guilty of the behavior for sure!)

It is called phubbing. A blend of phone and snubbing. And once you know the word you cannot stop seeing it everywhere.

You know exactly what this feels like

Here is what the research shows and it is not particularly flattering for any of us. Almost half of people in relationships report being phubbed regularly. Phones appeared in more than half of real-life conversations observed in studies. And the emotional impact is consistent no matter your age -- being phubbed makes people feel lonely, less valued and disconnected from the person sitting right in front of them.

The thing is, most people over 40 have never heard the term phubbing. But every single one of them has felt it. That slight sting when someone reaches for their phone mid-conversation. The moment you realize you are less interesting than a notification. It is not dramatic. It is just quietly deflating.

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New Jersey, we have a phubbing problem

Think about where this happens in your daily New Jersey life. The diner booth where half the table is scrolling before the coffee arrives. The Shore house deck where everyone is technically together but actually alone on their own devices. The commuter train where the unspoken agreement is that nobody talks but at least nobody is being ignored by someone who is supposed to care about them. Youth sports sidelines where parents watch their kids through a screen instead of with their own eyes.

Family holiday gatherings. Work meetings. Comedy shows. Cocktail parties. If you have been to any of these recently you have both witnessed phubbing and probably committed it without realizing you had a word for what you were doing.

Research across 20 countries including the United States confirms this is not a generational problem unique to teenagers. Adults between 18 and 77 report phubbing each other regularly. The phone does not discriminate by age. It just sits there in your pocket, humming with possibility, waiting for a moment of weakness.

How to actually fix it -- and yes it requires leaving your phone in the car

The most effective solutions are also the most inconvenient ones. Leave your phone in another room during dinner. Leave it in the car when you go into a restaurant. Put it face down and across the table so reaching for it requires a conscious decision rather than a mindless reflex. Some people are now doing phone stacks at dinner -- everyone's device goes in a pile in the center of the table and whoever reaches first picks up the check.

That last one works surprisingly well, mostly because nobody wants to pay for dinner.

Here is my honest confession. I looked up phubbing on my phone while my wife was talking to me last Tuesday. I am not proud of it. I am also apparently part of a global research study without having signed any consent forms.

The good news is that knowing the word is at least a start. You cannot fix something you cannot name.

The bad news is that your phone just buzzed while you were reading this -- and you already know what you are about to do.

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