A Jersey guy’s ugly manifesto on square pizza

I’m not sure how old I was when I first saw one. I think I mistook the hideous thing for a lasagna flattened over by an armored car.

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You could tell it was trying to be pizza.

Except, it wasn’t. Everyone knew pizza is round and cut into triangles. This thing passing itself off as a pizza was square and too thick with no crust to lay your fingers upon as a natural handle. This thing was a mess.

Behold the Sicilian pizza, also called a Roman pizza and a Detroit-style pizza. When I took a job in Michigan in 1999, I would find out just how popular this square abomination is in that area and learn to hate it all over again.

The ‘mouth feel’ is all wrong. It’s like trying to put a foot in a glove. It’s like the moon out at night. No true harm, but no real point, either.

It throws the taste off.

Texture can be everything. Sure it’s not quite one of those horrifying Chicago deep dish pizzas, which isn’t really pizza at all, and how dare they even use the P word for that stupid soufflé. It’s not as bad as that, no.

But square pizza is bad enough. Just looking at it reminds me of those terrible square Ellio's pizzas. You know the frozen ones? The kind that would find its way onto your cafeteria tray in seventh grade and you only ate it because it was technically pizza and it was still better than the rest of the food that week.

Why am I writing this?

It came to mind because I saw on nj.com that Santucci’s Original Square Pizza just opened a new location in New Jersey. Their eighth. The new one is at 1613 Route 47 south, Unit E in Rio Grande. I understand they have their fans. I understand many in New Jersey will swear by Sicilian pizza. This manifesto is not meant to change anyone’s mind. I’m just venting here.

And hey, this is New Jersey, where if we don’t argue, that means we don’t even like each other. And there’s not more of a fun argument than our sacred pizza in the Garden State.

Now, please, make it round.