If Jersey towns were Halloween candy
This year it's a dreary Halloween. Some towns are actually calling it and punting until the next day while other towns are sticking with tradition. Which brings up the fact that towns are different; some more conservative, some more liberal, some wealthier, some poorer, some snootier, some friendlier.
I remember the time we played a fun game called 'If Jersey towns were Jersey girls.' So today I'm offering if Jersey towns were Halloween candy. (Note: New Jersey 101.5 earns revenue if you purchase any of these costumes using the Amazon links provided below)
Seaside Heights would undoubtedly be those old disgusting wax bottles filled with God knows what flavored liquid chemical. You know the ones I mean. When you were a kid, you'd get these awful wax bottles and have to bite the top off to get to a minimal amount of what passed for flavored water. You drank it, then stood there not knowing if you were supposed to eat the bottle too. Maybe you disposed of those empty wax bottles the way party-goers in Seaside Heights dispose of their beer bottles; on people's front lawns.
Raritan Township, in one of the healthiest counties in the state, would be a candy apple.
Or possibly some dark chocolate. You know, the kind most kids hate but healthy adults swear by because it raises HDL, is a powerful source of antioxidants, blah blah blah.
I live here by the way, and since I'm more of a human version of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup I really don't fit in and should move.
Bridgeton, in one of the least healthy counties in the state, would be pixie sticks. You know those things that have zero nutritional value and are pure colored sugar you just tear open and slide down the back of your throat? When you're not smoking or vaping, this will do.
Princeton would be Smarties. With the highest percentage of residents with a graduate or professional degree is there any other choice?
Unfortunately Paterson would be Dum Dums with one of the lowest rates of graduate degrees.
Asbury Park, where all the hipsters now call home, would be artisanal candy like the pretentious stuff offered on FarmToPeople.com. Perhaps the mango Anya's licorice living up to the hipster standards of nothing artificial and everything humanely raised with no genetically modified organisms.
Perth Amboy would be Hot Tamales with Jersey's largest Hispanic population this year, and all that cinnamon? Muy bueno.
Atlantic City would be saltwater taffy for obvious reasons. If I need to explain it, you're not from New Jersey.
Camden would be Necco wafers. Neccos are a long-forgotten disc shaped candy that no one can imagine having seen better days. Brand new out of the pack they look stale like they survived in a bomb shelter for over 75 years. Even the wrapper looks uninviting. Kind of like, well, Camden.
Haddonfield would be the 100 Grand Bar. Somewhat wealthy people who like to pretend they're even wealthier than they really are would appreciate a candy bar named 100,000 Grand. In actuality it only costs $1.39. Think about that.
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