If Jersey towns were Jersey girls — Part II
This first published in September of 2017. I’ve since realized I was leaving a few girls out. So we’ve added four new ones to the list and we’ll start with those.
Your name is Hoboken
Your friends call you Ho’ for short. You hate plastic and styrofoam so you’ve sworn off plastic bags and styrofoam containers. Plastic surgery is still okay. Your fav holiday is Christmas because you get to wear your slutty Santa suit with the mini-skirt and get drunk at every bar in town. Your fav old movie is On The Waterfront and your grandma went out with some guy named Sinatra.
Your name is Lambertville
You’re a tad old-fashioned and you like to walk wherever you go. You’re often at first drawn to antique shops then wonder why the hell you thought this would be fun once you’re inside. You’ve been inseparable from your BFF New Hope since grade school and your parents think she’s a bad influence. No wonder what with the head shops and new agey weirdness she’s always dragging you to! Your favorite ice cream flavor is lime cilantro from oWowCow Creamery because vanilla just wasn’t pretentious enough. You swear you once saw the ghost of a football player with his head twisted backwards over at the old high school.
Your name is Seaside Heights
First off, there’s the whole two name thing. Mary Jo, Laurie Ann, Theresa Marie, Seaside Heights. Why are girls like you so special you think you deserve two names? And the tattoos. You’re covered in them. You have so many tattoos you don’t know which ones are henna and which ones are hepatitis. Can you stop with the piercings? When was the last time you read a book? And no, the drink menu at Spicy’s doesn’t count as a book. With all your dysfunction you do have a good heart though, helping out special needs kids once a year by throwing yourself into the freezing ocean. Plus you’re always willing to give an 8 year old with a bicycle a summer job as a cop.
Your name is Succasunna
You’re eternally angry with your parents for naming you Succasunna because, well, children are cruel. Any shortened form of Succasunna is insulting. Hey Suck, what’s up?! Also, nothing fun ever happens to you. No one interesting ever comes to see you. In short, you’re boring.
Your name is Blairstown
You're a tomboy through and through. You like wearing jeans and boots and your idea of a good time is throwing hay bales around like it's nothing. You drive a pickup truck. You went into mourning when Troy Gentry's helicopter went down, and who could blame you? You voted for Trump. The first boy you kissed was probably behind a church or in the middle of an apple orchard or something equally quaint. You laugh at people who are afraid of bears. You have an incredible work ethic and you're Jersey Strong but very feminine at the same time and you don't take crap from anybody.
Your name is Princeton
You're a person who loves to point out the weird friends you have. The weirder they are the more you need to be friends with them. You're still searching for an albino little person communist who is gender fluid to complete your collection. You crave diversity and look for drama. You wear as high end fashion as your family lets you get away with because you rarely buy your own clothes. You voted for Hillary because you didn't know better. Girls named Princeton tend to hang out with other girls named Princeton but it's okay because you're all very diverse, and that's what matters. You once ran across a girl named Blairstown and you were pretty sure she was from another planet. You know you're better than everyone and you will probably die by wandering into traffic without looking.
Your name is Rahway
You've always had self esteem issues and spent your life wishing you were that girl Clark. You shouldn't. Clark spent her life wishing she were that girl Princeton.
Your name is Clark
You're the kind of girl who likes to stand next to Rahway because you think it makes you look better.
Your name is Wildwood
You are the ultimate party girl. You like to get your tan on. You live for Wawa. In fact, you probably have a tattoo of their logo somewhere on your body. You go to a club every chance you get. You recently broke up with a boy named Vineland and just in time. He was going to take you nowhere.
Your name is Asbury Park
You used to be a straight female. But then you went broke, got your act together, and now identify as lesbian. You're one of the few Jersey girls on a mission to greatness. You're the ultimate comeback queen. You love music more than most. You're friendly, outgoing, smart, and accepting. Other Jersey girls wish they could be you.
Your name is Trenton
Sadly you're a Jersey girl who's seen better days. You used to have a plan in life but anymore you just find yourself adrift. You were never the most beautiful girl around, but lately you look like a homeless punching bag. Let's just say your personality has become that of Bhad Bhabie, the "Cash me ousside" girl. But hang in there. It could be worse. You could be Atlantic City.
Your name is Atlantic City
You're bi-polar. On one hand you have these manic periods where everything seems great, then you have these downswings where all you can see is desperation and poverty. You're terrible at handling money and had to move back in with your dad who put you on a strict allowance. You grasp at straws trying to convince people you're getting along fine when really your best days are long behind you. You've met a lot of celebrities over the years, but they probably wouldn't remember you if you ran into them in an elevator.
Your name is Lakewood
You are horribly misunderstood. You have a keen sense of what you want out of life and no federal charges are going to deter a girl like you. You are bullied a lot. People pick on you for the clothes you wear and the way you drive your car into buildings and trashcans. They are just jealous. You have a wide circle of friends but tend to be a homebody on Friday nights.
Your name is Piscataway
You are the most beautiful of all Jersey girls. You went to Rutgers as part of their campus is in your bathroom anyway. You love congested roads on weekends and lousy football teams. Some of the schools you attended had ridiculous names, such as Conackamack, Quibbletown, Hogwarts, and Too Many Exits Academy. You're a true Jersey girl through and through!
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