Domestic violence group after NJ dad murders family: This can be stopped

The news is hard to grasp — authorities say Long Branch man Lyndon ‘Shane’ Beharry shot his girlfriend and their two kids dead before setting fire to their home Wednesday night.

But New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women, in a statement released Friday, said that sort of violence is often preventable — if people recognize the signs and know how to get help.

The statement expands upon a conversation Jane Shivas, the group's executive director, had with New Jersey 101.5 before the murder-suicide determination was made. Like in that conversation, the group stressed that violence rarely comes from nowhere — though the signs may not be easy to detect.

The group's full statement, released Friday, is below:

Our thoughts are with the relatives, friends and neighbors of the Morris and Beharry families. We were devastated to hear that the Prosecutor’s Office has found that the four family members appear to have died in an apparent domestic violence murder-suicide, and our hearts especially go out to the surviving members of the family. We urge victims and families who are experiencing domestic violence and abuse to seek help as soon as possible. The loss of any beloved community member is tragic, and in this case, it is also disturbing.

While details of the case are still unfolding and we cannot comment on the specifics, we must address this alleged triple murder-suicide. It has been reported that Amanda Morris and her young children Lyndon and Brian Beharry were fatally shot by her common-law husband, Lyndon “Shane” Beharry because she wanted to leave the abusive relationship and take her children. We must give context to the domestic violence that occurred in this heinous crime so that the media and others can understand this tragedy and offer resources for victims, their children and bystanders.

Murder-Suicides and Domestic Violence

In many murder-suicides, domestic violence is the precipitating factor. We have yet, however, to see one article that mentions even the possibility of domestic violence. Instead many articles focus on the positive attributes of the father and that he could never do “this.” In most of the recent murder-suicides bystanders have repeated common statements: “He couldn’t have done this. This doesn’t happen here. There was no motive.”

Motives for Domestic Homicides

Plainly stated, the motive of domestic violence is power and control over the victim. The strategies to maintain that power and control can begin with verbal and emotional abuse (which can often be more devastating than actual physical injuries), escalate to physical violence, and in its extreme form end in murder.

Perhaps there was no motive that those quoted saw or thought might be sufficient to end in homicide. While we do not know the details of what transpired in this specific home, we do know that domestic violence largely happens behind closed doors and what the public – even family members – see is not always reflective of what is happening at home. Sometimes we simply cannot or do not want to believe someone we know is capable of such a horrific act.

This case serves as a stark reminder that domestic violence knows no boundaries and affects us all, even those we love and with whom we have good relationships. When it comes to domestic violence, controlling, abusive people can be our neighbors, co-workers, or family members. This makes it difficult for victims to get help or for bystanders to identify abuse and intervene. Victims bear their pain silently because they think no one will believe them. They also remain quiet because of the extreme fear they experience from threats to harm either them, their children or other family members. Again, what the public sees is often very different than what occurs at home. Therefore, we must stop looking for other answers because we do not want to address the issue of domestic violence as being as deadly and pervasive as it is.

Warning Signs

In nearly every case of domestic homicide, there are warning signs that are clear in retrospect. That is why we, as concerned community members and caring citizens of New Jersey, must learn the signs of a potentially abusive relationship. Controlling behavior, constant put downs, extreme jealousy, and forced isolation from friends and family are a few of the signals that a relationship may be coercive and abusive. People may think this behavior is “normal” for a couple or that they are just passionate about one another. But does the victim constantly defer to her partner for decisions? Is the victim expressing fear if late arriving home or if anticipating something might upset the partner? When a victim tries to leave an abusive relationship, it is an especially dangerous time, even for the children.

What to Do if You Suspect Abuse

If you want to know if a relationship is abusive or if you suspect abuse, it is important to take it seriously, get information and share resources. Help is available in every county and for every victim through a network of programs dedicated to serving domestic violence victims and their families. The State Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 800-572-SAFE (7233). You can also find a list of programs and services at www.njcbw.org.

Children are Affected

Children are often present during domestic violence assaults1. Children can be injured in domestic violence incidents, especially those too young to protect themselves or get help. What’s more, we know that children exposed to domestic violence are at an increased risk for poor long-term health outcomes including chronic diseases, substance abuse, dropping out of school, employment challenges, and even early death.3

Sadly, children were involved or present during 29 percent of all domestic violence offenses occurring in New Jersey in 2012. Specifically, 4 percent (2,298) were involved and 25 percent (16,534) were present2. A review of Child Protective Services cases in two states identified domestic violence in up to 43 percent of cases resulting in the critical injury or death of a child.

There is Help for Children

The Domestic Violence Liaison (DVL) Project is a collaboration between the Department of Children and Families, the Coalition, and the lead domestic violence agencies in the 21 counties. This program places an experienced employee of a domestic violence agency (the DVL) within the local Division of Child Protection and Permanency (DCP&P) offices to provide support, safety planning and advocacy for victims. In addition, the DVL provides consultative support to the DCP&P workers as they intervene and investigate child protection cases where domestic violence exists or is suspected.

Peace a Learned Solution (PALS), is a trauma informed program for child witnesses of domestic violence that isavailable in 11 NJ counties. This treatment program model uses creative arts therapies for children (primarily aged three to twelve), who have been exposed to domestic violence.

Asking the Right Questions

As a state and as connected communities who care about one another and our children, we must change the way we report on and discuss these cases. We need to ask the questions that will identify if there are signs of domestic violence. And, rather than blaming victims by asking why they would stay, ask why abusive partners continue their behavior. When so much of the initial reporting focuses on the positive image of the alleged or suspected abuser, we are more apt to blame the victim if it becomes clear there is domestic violence. We put other victims and children at risk with misinformation. Victim blaming language creates barriers that prevent the public from seeing individuals as perpetrators of domestic violence; it allows the public to make excuses where there should be none. No one deserves abuse. We must call this domestic violence in every case where abuse in an intimate partner relationship has taken place. We must educate ourselves about the dynamic of abuse so we can finally have answers to these “senseless” crimes that create shock and grief in our communities.

When we do this, we can prevent domestic violence from claiming the lives of untold victims and the futures of their children. New Jersey communities; together we can end domestic violence.