With Frank Pallone heading up the new federal “Nanny law” idea regarding food labeling, I thought it was important for all of us to reflect on how badly we need the government to take care of us! How much we need our government to remind us to brush our teeth, to get dressed in the morning and then to tuck us into bed at night.

With that in mind, I thought of a few laws that some bored legislators must have missed when it comes to taking care of us and protecting us from the many dangers that lurk right here in New Jersey. Can we get someone on this, please? We need your help!

Proposed Nanny Laws for NJ

  1. Sidewalks all must be marked with reflective tape so that people don’t drive over them or trip over them.
  2. All drivers who routinely speed, must drive brightly colored cars so that they are easy to identify and pull over for summonsing.
  3. All sauces, stews and gravies served in restaurants must be strained three times by an elected government “Straining Official” to prevent unwanted chunks from becoming lodged in patrons’ throats.
  4. All under-sink cabinets or other household storage where chemicals may be stored must be retrofitted with combination locks. And they must remain locked. Forever. All combinations will be stored by your local government offices, and only government officials will be permitted to open them. But they won’t. Cause chemicals are scary. Prohibited chemicals include drano, bleach, nail-polish remover, Tide Pods, certain perfumes, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
  5. All beer stains, cocktail and highball glasses, as well as red solo cups, etc. that alcohol is served in, must be engraved, inscribed or otherwise imprinted with the statement: “Warning: what you are about to drink contains alcohol. And you know it can make you crazy. And other stuff that’s really scary to people. But you might already be too drunk to realize it so therefore we are hoping you read this.”
  6. The middle finger (aka “the bird”) should only be given (or flipped) in cases of road rage or vehicular incidents. All non-travel related uses of the middle finger are subject to strict penalty.
  7. To prevent serious injury, helmets must be worn at all times on all residents (regardless of age) during the following activities: driving, bicycling, skating, horseback riding, swimming, ballroom & disco dancing, jogging, tennis, all sports and exercise-related pursuits, sleeping, vigorous sexual activity and cooking.

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