Tragic stories of swimmers getting in trouble in the ocean have proliferated the news lately. It’s sad. So that’s why I can really appreciate the dedication and hard work of our Jersey Shore lifeguards.

From the whistles in their mouths to the white stuff on their noses, they really seem to put in a hard (and hot) day’s work. That said, they can also be, well, annoying. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I’ve come to resent them a little more every year.
I did some soul searching to try to figure out what all of this emotion stems from and I’ve narrowed it down to this.

  1. They whistle too much.
  2. They make you swim in a narrow corridor so they don’t have to turn their heads too much to watch the ocean.
  3. Since they sit higher than us, they think they’re closer to God.
  4. They’re generally kinda cranky (Because they got into it thinking that they’d be working with Pamela Anderson, and they’re not.)
  5. We pay to get on the beach, yet they don’t even offer me a cocktail.
  6. They never give me a ride on their little boat.
  7. They have a much better tan than I do.
  8. Even though they generally have great bodies, I can’t ogle them because they're half (or a third) of my age.
  9. They get a much better view than the rest of us since no one can really block them.
  10. When they get bored they secretly wish you’d drown so they have something to do.
  11. Oh. And they whistle too much. (Did I mention that?)

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