I get it! The NJ heatwave is dangerous! Tell me something I don’t know

I'm so sick of the SAME EXACT warnings and safety tips EVERY TIME there's a HEATWAVE! Every third-grader has heard all the warnings and knows all this stuff backward and forward.

Here are the Red Cross heatwave safety guidelines, and my new responses to them:

• Red Cross: Listen to a NOAA Weather Radio for critical updates from the National Weather Service (NWS).
• Me: "Critical updates? Oh, you mean like, 'Now it's REALLY hot!'"

• Red Cross: Never leave children or pets alone in enclosed vehicles.
• Me: "Why? It can get warm in enclosed vehicles? Somehow that news passed me by."

• Red Cross: Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of fluids even if you do not feel thirsty. Avoid drinks with caffeine or alcohol.
• Me: Judi's response: "I don't really like drinking too much in any weather. It can lead to drinking problems."

• Red Cross: Eat small meals and eat more often.
• Me: "What are you, my mom?"

• Red Cross: Avoid extreme temperature changes.
• Me: "That doesn't even make sense."

• Red Cross: Wear loose-fitting, lightweight, light- colored clothing. Avoid dark colors because they absorb the sun’s rays.
• Me: "But black is the new white!!!"

• Red Cross: Slow down, stay indoors and avoid strenuous exercise during the hottest part of the day.
• Me: "But what if my friends are all going out of doors and doing strenuous exercise during the hottest part of the day? This is gonna KILL my social life!"

• Red Cross: Postpone outdoor games and activities.
• Me: "Even if there's a playoff hopscotch game and the whole season rides on it?"

• Red Cross: Use a buddy system when working in excessive heat.
• Me: "I'm thinking people are smellier in excessive heat..it's the LAST time I want a buddy!"

• Red Cross: Take frequent breaks if you must work outdoors.
• Me: "Unless you're an air traffic controller and planes are about to land."

• Red Cross: Check on family, friends and neighbors who do not have air conditioning, who spend much of their time alone or who are more likely to be affected by the heat.
• Me: "But check on them by phone, not in person. It's gonna be really sticky in a house without AC."

• Red Cross: Check on your animals frequently to ensure that they are not suffering
• Me: "But not TOO frequently, because they're unable to tell you that you're being annoying by constantly checking on them."

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