An open letter to NJ’s ‘favorite’ ice cream

Dear Favorite,

There’s a smug one in every family, isn’t there? The one that knows it’s the favorite even if not told. Okay, in this family, you’re an ice cream.

Kylie Moore’s article in advance of Sunday’s National Ice Cream Day will no doubt be something you frame. You being crowned New Jersey’s favorite flavor (flavorite?) must be quite the feather in your undeserving cap. Even if that cap melts in five minutes.

Yes, Neapolitan, I’m talking to you. How dare you even call yourself a flavor first off?! Stop lying to people. You are THREE flavors smooshed together and passed off like some beater used car covered in Bondo as a flavor all its own.

Make no mistake. You are vanilla. You are chocolate. You are strawberry.

SStajic

You are as bland as those three flavors are individually. But at least they’re not liars. We know where we stand with them. You? You’re like the unfortunate multiple personality disorder of the ice cream world and we want you to seek help.

You’re not a flavor! A flavor is salted caramel. Rum raisin is a flavor. Matcha green tea is a flavor.

You’re an imposter. You’re simply three different flavors masquerading about as if you reinvented ice cream itself. You know what else you are?

You’re a bad game of Fxxx Marry Kill. Everyone knows you marry vanilla and chocolate is your backup plan. Strawberry is being killed like a spotted lanternfly.

Also, no adult likes you. You ever notice the only action you’re getting is at a kindergartner’s birthday party and it involves those ungodly flat wooden so-called spoons? If you’re proud of that I feel sorry for you Neapolitan.

You need to grow up or get lost. New Jersey can do better.