Only in Jersey: Why your Zoom calls feel like Parkway rush hour

Let’s be real — Zoom, FaceTime, and Teams calls are the new rush hour on the Parkway.
You’re not physically going anywhere, but somehow you’re still stressed, running late, and yelling at your screen like it cut you off in traffic. Only in Jersey can you be stuck inside your own house and still feel like you’re crawling down The Helix.

How to prep your video call setup (so you don’t sound like the Pulaski Skyway)

Rule number one: test your setup before you hop on. Nobody wants to hear you shouting, “Can you hear me?” like you’re calling from the top of the Pulaski Skyway. Check your mic, check your camera, and for the love of not embarrasing yourself, make sure you’re not muted when it’s your turn. And if you’re screen-sharing, double-check that it works — and that you’re not about to reveal anything NSFW.

Lighting matters, too. Don’t sit in front of a window unless you’re intentionally going for that “witness protection” aesthetic. Face the light unless you want to look like you’re Zooming from a Turnpike tunnel.

Jersey-style WFH fashion and timing tips

Dress code? Business on top, sweatpants below — peak Jersey efficiency. Just don’t stand up mid-meeting. Nobody needs to know you’re wearing Giants pajama pants.

As for timing, it’s honestly better to show up right on time or a tiny bit late than a few minutes early. Why risk awkward small talk and saying something you’ll regret?

Managing the noise, pets, and chaos of New Jersey home life

When you’re not talking, mute yourself. No one needs to hear your neighbor’s leaf blower or your nonna yelling about Sunday gravy. If your dog starts barking, just pretend it’s “ambient background noise.” And keep an eye out for your cat sneaking across your keyboard unless you want to derail the entire meeting with “awwwws.”

Backgrounds, virtual vibes, and surviving the end of the meeting

Watch your background, too. No one wants to see your messy bed or that stack of pizza boxes you keep “meaning to recycle.” If all else fails, slap on a virtual background — something classy, like the Manhattan skyline (from the Jersey side, obviously). And if you’re a hoarder, keep it off-camera. Closet doors exist for a reason.

Most importantly, look like you’re paying attention. Nod, smile, and toss in a “That’s a great point” every now and then. You don’t even have to know what the point was — just sound confident. And don’t get caught daydreaming when someone asks, “What do you think?”

And when the meeting’s wrapping up and the host asks, “Any questions?” — do not be the person who actually has one. Your coworkers will never forgive you.

Follow all this and your video calls might actually run smoother than the Parkway on Christmas morning — hey, miracles happen.