If you’re from NJ, never, ever order a pizza from here

I was born and raised in Union County. My family had a designated pizza night, Sunday nights. It always came from a place called Ted’s in Rahway, on the corner of Whittier and Grand.

Italian sausage and pepperoni, the kind that would curl up around the edges in a perfect way, holding just that small, magical amount of oil that pooled.

I lived in various places around the state, and experienced sort of a roll call of great pizza. Manco and Manco in Ocean City, Tucky’s in Linden, Romeo’s in Plainsboro, Joe’s in Hillsborough, Gabby’s in Flemington.

If you love New Jersey pizza, there’s one place from which you should never order it though.

Vermont. Anywhere in Vermont.

Oh, did you think I was going to give a bad review to a Jersey pizza joint? Let me tell you something, from what I’ve experienced the last couple of days in Vermont, the worst pizza joint in New Jersey could crush an army of Vermont's so-called "pizza places".

I’ve had pizza in Michigan, California, Florida, all over the country. I mean, it’s always not great. It’s always what you’d call "something only lamely attempting to be pizza". We know the only real pizza is from New Jersey, and, to a certain extent, NYC.

But what I experienced in Vermont was so shocking, I had to throw 7 and a half slices of an 8-slice pizza into the garbage. I couldn’t even get through it.

Sure, it looks innocent enough.

Look at it, sitting there appearing almost edible. Just because it has a look, doesn’t mean it has a taste.

Now, I was hopeful when I saw the name of the place. I don’t want to be too negative, I’m not out to kill anyone’s business, and the poor locals who never actually ate real pizza probably think it’s good. Let’s just say, a certain number of brothers was in the name of this pizza place. That to me sounded very Jersey, so I was cautiously optimistic.

My first bite, I realized the crust was tasteless cardboard made, not from dough, but something not from this earth. By my second and third crestfallen bites, it hit me that the cheese passed the visual test, but tasted of some different texture entirely. I tried a fourth bite, then admitted I was only eating it because I’d paid for it; and life’s too short, you know?

Now this was actually my second slice of pizza here in Vermont in two days. The first had an excuse for being atrocious, it was from a convenience store. Yet, what you know going in is going to be a far inferior product was so unpizza-like that it, too, found its way to a garbage can; it tasted absolutely nothing like pizza. It tasted like a piece of burnt Wonder bread with Easy Cheese and ketchup.

Look, Vermont is beautiful, the school my son is attending is amazing, and the people here are friendly and just terrific. But, don’t ever come here and order a pizza, just don’t do it.

Unless you want to appreciate New Jersey a bit more! Then by all means, go for a large.

Opinions expressed in the post above are those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Jeff Deminski only.

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