If the first Thanksgiving were up to Jersey…
As we know, the first Thanksgiving didn't happen in New Jersey. It happened in Massachusetts. The year was 1621, and the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag worked together for a fall harvest celebration. Now had Jersey Pilgrims been invited, being intuitive as they were and having a bad feeling about things in the future (things called the Red Sox, the Patriots, and something called Phil Murphy) I'm sure they never would have gone.
Massasoit, the Wampanoag leader, would have said, "Join us you may for this bounty." To which our Pilgrims would have said, "Fuggetaboutit."
As we know, the first Thanksgiving, the one without any Jersey folks, featured lots of venison along with ham, lobster, waterfowl, clams, berries, fruit, pumpkin and squash. They didn't actually have turkey. Which isn't really all that disappointing considered how overrated turkey is. By the time it's carved and finally served it's often cold and dry.
In fact, think how much better the food could have been at the first Thanksgiving with some forward thinking Jersey Pilgrims! Just play along with the timeline here. I'm going to ignore the fact that the first pizzeria in America wasn't until 1905 in a place called Lombardi's. With a little (okay a lot) of poetic license, imagine the killer Thanksgiving spread you could have if Jersey were in charge.
Pizza, dripping with grease and covered with Italian sausage and pepperoni. Forget the green bean casserole. You want some greens? An extra pizza with sausage, pepperoni and green peppers. Badabing. Then you've got pork roll egg and cheese sandwiches as far as the eye can see. How about some rippers from Rutts Hut? Slathered in lots of sauerkraut. What's that? Thanksgiving wouldn't be complete without gravy? Well you don't need mashed potatoes and turkey for gravy! How about some disco fries!? French fries buried in cheese and gravy ought to be a Thanksgiving staple! We could do some Jersey corn and Jersey tomatoes if we want to pretend we're being healthy. We could include some sloppy joes. No not the kind the rest of America is used to. The kind with pastrami or corned beef shoved double-decker-style between rye slices and Swiss cheese, coleslaw and Russian dressing. You want to really feel sleepy after your Thanksgiving dinner? Add some fat sandwiches to your menu. Made famous by Rutgers' grease trucks they now grace the Jersey landscape in plenty of restaurants and with some very rude names. You know with certain people at your Thanksgiving table you're probably thinking the words Fat Bitch anyway, why not have the fat sandwich there in their honor. Desert? It's Jersey. Italian ice baby!
Hey, as a guy who hates turkey, green bean casserole and cranberry sauce I can dream, can't I?
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