Old sayings may seem harmless, but, according to PETA, they could actually be viewed as anti-animal language and normalize animal cruelty. The always-compassionate group is suggesting more “animal-friendly phrases” that we should add to the lexicon and helpfully provided a list of suggestions people can use to avoid offending... I guess... animals? Vegans? I’m not really sure but gee, this is sensitive! Its so ludicrous that I find it hard to believe that it wasn’t just PETA doing a parody of PETA itself. So here are the suggested alternative sayings that PETA tweeted. I couldn’t wait to share them with New Jersey!

It’s one thing to try this with some radical liberal crunchies in Seattle, or San Francisco or the pierced up pseudo-libs in Austin Texas. But I think you can pretty much guess how New Jerseyans would respond to this. We are not the biggest fans of political correctness here in New Jersey (as we will all freely admit.) I know it when it comes to changing our language patterns, we’ve evolved more slowly than other places in the country.

Shockingly, even animal lovers and animal wackos took PETA to task for this idea, saying it just went too far. In fact, helpful folks in the Twitterverse came up with all kinds of substitutions to the PETA ideas from the clever to the outright obscene. But we don’t take kindly to f***ing suggestions of how to f***ing express ourselves here in Jersey.

So, just in case you DO feel for the helpless animals, I’ve got some NJ-themed substitutions that will work better for us than the PETA list.

Instead of: Kill two birds with one stone. Say: Pay two tolls with one E-Zpass.

Instead of: Bring home the bacon. Say: Bring home the Taylor ham (pork roll).

Instead of: Take the bull by the horns. Say: Take the turn by the jughandles.

Instead of: Beat a dead horse. Say: Tax a dead person.

Instead of: A leopard cannot change it’s spots. Say: A road cannot change it’s potholes.

Instead of: A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Say: A lawyer in a legislator’s clothing.

Instead of: Cat got your tongue? Say: Government got your wallet?

Instead of: Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Say: Don’t count your property taxes before they’re raised.

Instead of: Dropping like flies. Say: Dropping like Jersey Taxpayers.

Instead of: Hair of the dog that bit you. Say: Fine for the dumb law that bit you.

Instead of: Let the cat out of the bag. Say: Let the money out of the wallet.

Instead of: Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Say: Never look a politician in the eye.

Instead of: You can lead a Horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Say: You can lead a new Jerseyan to a gas station but you can’t make him pump.

Instead of: An albatross around your neck. Say: A NJ governor around your neck.

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