College move-in day: Navigating emotions for New Jersey families

🎓 College move-in day comes with a flurry of emotions for parents and students

🎓 One Rutgers behavioral specialist offers advice on how to navigate emotions

🎓 Communication and compassion are key 

College move-in day is almost here.

For many New Jersey families, this is the first time a child is going off to college to start a brand new chapter.

It may be the first time a child may be living away from home, and the first time a parent won’t have the child under their roof in 18 years.

It also could be a child is commuting to college, and while living at home, still wants their own space; maintaining their independence. But for the parents, it still could be the case of “my house, my rules.”

No matter the circumstance, starting college, especially for the first time can bring on an array of emotions for both the student and the parent.

But one New Jersey behavioral health expert has some tips to help both mom and dad, and child navigate those emotions.

The Transition

The transition from home to college can be stressful for both parents and children. The key is not to avoid those feelings, said Stephanie Marcello, assistant vice president of academics at Rutgers University Behavioral Healthcare.

It makes sense for there to be some stress because this is a big life transition. Recognizing the stress is not necessarily a bad thing, she said.

“It’s actually pretty predictable and normal at this time because there are all of these high levels of unpredictability and maybe feelings of lack of control,” Marcello said.
So, lean into those feelings, don’t avoid it, and talk about it. Communication is key and she could not stress that enough.

Homesick

While many kids may be excited to go off to college and be on their own, away from their parents and the house rules, there also can be a feeling of homesickness.

Marcello said about 94% of students experience homesickness during the first 8 to 10 weeks of being away at college. It’s an adjustment so this is very common and normal.
“Schools and universities are really good at helping these transitions go smoothly. They offer a lot of events for new students, so get involved. Get out there. All these other students are probably going through very similar things and find people you feel connected to,” Marcello said.

Students should create spaces and routines for themselves.

Feeling Alone

While many focus on the child starting this new adventure and what they might be going through, others often forget that this is also hard on the parents.

For 18 years, life has been about the child---cooking meals, doing laundry, helping with homework, driving them to activities, etc. Now, all of a sudden, that stops, and parents find there is too much time on their hands.

How can they cope with this extra alone time? Marcello said it’s very important for the parents to allow themselves to be in that space.

Be in the space of all the different feelings that come up like fear, nostalgia, and excitement.

She also suggests that parents reach out to friends who are going through similar transitions. Stay connected with them.

This is also an exciting time for parents to rediscover themselves.

Keep in mind, the relationship with your child is not ending. It’s transitioning to an adult connection, Marcello said.

“There’s kind of something exciting about that. Getting to know the adult, watching them grow and thrive, and I feel like leaning into that a little bit can be pretty powerful,” Marcello said.

The Commuter

Not all first-time college students are moving away to school. Some are still attending but are commuting, and therefore staying home.

It’s important for parents to give them their space and independence but kids still need to understand that there may be rules they still have to follow while under mom and dad’s roof.

First, commuters have to navigate their feelings of not living on campus. It might be more challenging to make connections. They may have trouble fitting in and are looking for ways to belong. This may cause frustrations so Marcello said tensions can be higher as the transition takes off and everyone figures out their space.

“Sit down and talk to your college student. What are the boundaries? What are the rules? What are some of the things that you’re changing or you’re a little bit more lenient on and what are the things that stand firm?,” are the questions Marcello pointed out.

For example, if a student decides to stay on campus one night, let the parents know. It’s common courtesy, especially if they are still living at home.

But having these conversations is key so everyone is clear on what is expected from both sides.

Listening to each other and being compassionate about each other’s feelings will really help with the process, she said.

Move-In Day

College dorm move-in day is exciting and frustrating. Everyone is bustling around campus armed with boxes and bins of stuff to move into the dorm. Parents may want to clean and help set everything up. Kids may want that too, or they may want mom and dad to just drop everything, and they’ll take care of it themselves.

So, what’s the right thing to do?

There is no right thing. Marcello said everyone has to talk about move-in day before the day happens. What is everyone’s role that day? Are Mom and Dad staying to help unpack? Are they just unloading and then going to a hotel before meeting their child for dinner later that night? These are all things that need to be discussed, she said.

Parents should be mindful not to put their stress and anxiety onto their children. Keeping emotions in check will allow parents to be present for their children.
If needed, parents can release their emotions to each other on the way home from drop-off, she said.

No matter what the situation looks like, Marcello said compassion and communication are key. Remember, it’s not a loss. It’s a transition. Embrace it.

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