Call to arms — An open letter to NJ’s ‘Taylor Ham’ people

Dear Taylor Ham Country,

There comes a time when people with opposing views and beliefs must come together for the greater good of humanity. Plenty of times throughout history, groups of people, even entire nations have put their differences aside to fight a common enemy. In times like this we realize that the things we were bickering about even one week ago are so menial and insignificant, we forget why we were arguing in the first place. If we want a bright and prosperous future for our children and grandchildren, we have to suck it up and accept, even embrace our differences.

At 8:43 pm on Monday, March 25, the definitive face of evil in the year 2019 revealed itself on the world stage for the first time. We thought we understood immorality. And how gullible we all were. Falling into a false sense of security when an atrocity is taking place right under our very noses.

A man by the name of Alek Krautmann (sounds a smidge Russian) exposed the world to the ungodly sinful practice of ordering bagels with the bread sliced. SLICED. Imagine the cojones on this guy to not only bring this war-crime-in-a-box to his place of employment, but to then tweet it. Have you no shame, Alek?

I call upon my Taylor Ham friends to the north to put down your spatulas and egg whisks. It is time for us to unite and become one New Jersey to prevent this wicked act from spreading in the Garden State. If you look closely at the photo above (if you can even bring yourself to scroll back up), you'll notice the bagels in question came from Panera, a popular national chain. There are over fifty Panera locations in New Jersey, which can only mean one thing. Panera was used as a Trojan Horse from the very beginning. If any of us felt compelled to, which of course we are not, we could order bagels in bulk just like this. And they won't say a word. We cannot stand idly by and allow this to happen to our state.

These bagel slices are a great idea! If you don't want to load up on carbs but still enjoy a nice snack, your problem is solved. Imagine how easy it would be to dip your bagel slice in a packet of butter of cream cheese. Right? WRONG. I was just testing you to make sure you weren't starting to fall under the spell of bagels with the bread sliced.

Whether you believe in pork roll or Taylor Ham, we can all agree that the bagel the salted meat is placed on is sacred. One slice to cut the bagel in half is indeed acceptable, but anything beyond that is a hostile act. I hope you would be willing to meet us in the middle on this one. For the outcome of our allegiance can eradicate yet another enemy from this planet.

Now if you need me, I'll be enjoying a nice Taylor Ham, egg, and cheese sandwich (a peace treaty of sorts) while I figure out our next move.

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