A just-for-Jersey holiday tipping guide

Have you ever really looked at one of those holiday tipping guides on the internet? Nothing will make you feel like you're living on another planet more than those things. What to tip your doorman. What to tip your concierge. How much should you give your colonic therapist. Really? Where are these people living?

Here in Jersey, our lives are a bit different. So I've come up with a tip guide for the holidays meant for real people in Jersey. Please keep in mind you should always tip only what you can afford. But here are some guidelines of what's appropriate to show your appreciation at the holidays for the service these folks provide throughout the year.

The Guy Who Makes Your Porkroll

If you have a daily breakfast stop, this is nothing to mess around with. You don't want to stiff this guy and end up with the Road Trip french toast scene. If he makes you a killer porkroll at least two or three mornings a week, $20 is standard.

Sanitation Worker

There are two types. If you're talking your basic garbageman, the guy who throws your trash into the truck one morning a week, it's a hard and thankless job and the crew should be tipped minimum $10 per man. If you're talking about the mysterious guy who lives next door who "works in da waste management business" you better give him anything he wants.

Orange Spray Paint Deer Carcass Tagger

We still aren't sure who this guy is, or what the orange spray paint on the roadkill even means, but if you can find him take pity on this poor guy and give him at least $15 or a gift card to Bass Pro Shop. He gives you something to think about on the way to work.

The Governor

It may seem unlikely to tip a guy who's family income was just reported at over $900,000, but think about the great service he provides. He "tells it like it is" and man does he look great in fleece! So for all Governor Christie has done for us, tip him one dollar for every day he was in-state providing actual service for the year. In this case that would equal $1.

Gas Station Attendant

Since we have a prohibition on pumping our own gas here in Jersey, your full service gas station attendant deserves some recognition at the holiday. Present him with a plate of warm fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Then tell him there's a prohibition on him eating it himself, and eat them for him.

The Fake Homeless Guy At Train Station

Wait, you're thinking he doesn't provide a service? I beg to differ. By tricking you into believing he's just trying to get $2.75 more for a train ticket to get to New Brunswick where his mom is having heart surgery and might die, he has made you feel superior to him and allowed you to feel like a good and thoughtful person. Money can't usually buy that. So when you see him this Christmas tip him the equivalent of one false hard luck story train ticket request. Or an airplane bottle of Jack Daniels and save him the extra walk around the corner to the liquor store.

Beach Badge Checker

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking how are you going to even find this person months after the summer beach season has ended. Well for all they do; harassing you on vacation, snarking at you about a little vodka hidden in an Ocean Spray Cran-Apple bottle, you should take care of them early on your last beach visit of the season. A little card with a note inside reading: get a real job next year, ya MUTT! is standard.