Heinz’s reinvented ketchup bottle unavailable in NJ

It’s like being there for the creation of the wheel and told you can’t have one. Or having air conditioning invented the day after you move to Alaska.

In one of the greatest moments on the timeline of mankind’s ingenuity since the innovations of the Snuggie, the Flowbee and the Pocket Fisherman, Heinz has reimagined the ketchup bottle, according to CNN.

For all of us who’ve known the heartbreak of going from this-damn-ketchup-won’t-come-out-at-all to a tsunami of too much ketchup on your diner fries, finally an answer. The answer is far simpler than redesigning the bottle itself. It’s actually just a matter of adjusting the label to a quirky wrong-looking angle.

This video explains it all.

So there you have it. There was never anything wrong with these glass bottles for nearly 150 years. The problem according to Heinz has always resided in us. We were too dumb to know the right way to angle their bottle.

Well thank God this has been solved. To think of all the money we’ve wasted treating cancer and researching Mars! This problem finally got the attention it deserved.

One thing though. It’s only being test marketed in the Toronto region. That’s right, this miracle cure for proper ketchup pouring is not only unavailable in New Jersey, it’s not even yet in the United States. Now we know how the Apollo 13 crew felt. So close yet so far.

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