To the uninitiated, Gov. Murphy's tri-weekly press conference is a lot to digest. It would seem like you’d have to watch the entire press conference to really understand all the information, facts, and figures that you need to know to follow along on New Jersey’s COVID-19 journey.

But in actuality, broken down into steps, it’s kind of easy to get. There’s a formula that has remained unchanged since the beginning of the nightmare and his endless extensions of the “public health emergency.”

So just in case you missed it last week or perhaps you won’t be around to see it next week, I’ve decided to compile the 15 easy steps—the outline, if you will, of each and every press conference; The skeleton of what makes the Monday, Wednesday and Friday event so...well, crammed with info.

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This way, if you miss one, you won’t feel like you’re missing anything. These are the same things that are said at every single presser so if you read this list, you’ll—thankfully—never have to watch it again.

I give you the Governor Murphy press conference in 15 easy to follow, user friendly steps:

  • 1

    Give that winning "regular guy" smile and greeting

  • 2

    Report he latest rate of COVID-19 transmission.

  • 3

    Extend the "Public Health Emergency" another 30 days.

  • 4

    Introduce DOH Commissioner, Judy by saying she needs no introduction before Introducing police superintendent, Pat, who apparently does.

  • 5

    Defer to Judy for clarification on something before deferring to Pat for clarification on something else.

  • 6

    Feign sympathy for small businesses before vaguely threatening small businesses.

  • 7

    Pantomime “shifting gears” while saying “let’s shift gears.”

  • 8

    Promise to give out more money to someone.

  • 9

    Tell us how many people can be somewhere indoors, followed by telling us how many people can be somewhere outdoors.

  • 10

    Kiss up to the NJEA by either thanking teachers or mentioning a superintendent and say what a great job schools are doing.

  • 11

    Talk about getting kids back into school buildings while at the same time ensuring that teachers don’t have to go back into school buildings.

  • 12

    Report a few deaths with the “heaviest of hearts” referring to the dead as “blessed souls” and detailing their apparently charmed lives.

  • 13

    Vaccine pep Talk: Beg, threaten, warn, cajole people into getting a vaccine.

  • 14

    Take some softball questions from Press corps.

  • 15

    Reprise “Regular Guy” smile, charming banter, and then “God Bless” everyone outta the place.

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