A slice of NJ pizza gets to review David Portnoy from Barstool
Talking slice of pizza:
First of all, this is a first. Turning the tables on this superstar pizza creeper Portnoy from Barstool Sports. I’m gonna review HIM.
And where is he? We said 11:30. It’s almost quarter of tw- ohhh here he comes. Hey David, you’re late! I’m sittin’ here congealing and getting cold!
Alright alright, let’s get on with dis. Sit down and put me in your mouth.
Stop laughing, what are you in middle school?
So my first impression of this guy is I like the original version called Mike Rowe without all the expletives. Also, I’m picking up on a hint of unearned arrogance here. But somehow it works for him and I can’t help but like the guy anyway.
OK, he’s got a good grip on me. Nice. Firm hands but not too firm, confident without being overbearing, like a quality handshake, ya know?
Oooh, he folded me! Good Jersey move, I approve. And not folding over tight like a freaking pizza taco but just the right snap in the center of the crust for the angled, half-fold. Perfect.
OK, he’s about to eat me and I gotta tell ya, David, would it kill ya to do a breath mint next time? Jeet tuna in da car?
Here we go. He bit me.
Shut up about the temperature Portnoy. A) you were late and B) I’M reviewing YOU! Also don’t talk with your mouth full. Disgusting.
Alright, come on, second bite’s better. There ya go.
So my review. David Portnoy. This guy’s a bit rough but in a way that’s working for him, ya know? And he’s holding me right now like he never ever gets sick of pizza. Gotta respect that he’s in this review thing for the long game. He’s gotta really good fold technique. His breath could be better but his teeth are quality. I’m giving dis guy an 8.7.
Now let’s see if he’ll eat my crust.
Opinions expressed in the post above are those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Jeff Deminski only.
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