Listen, man, it’s just not my thing, alright? I’m just having some fun here. If you are a fan of the king of vapid, Machine Gun Kelly, great. You do you. He’s just not my cup of blood. Oh, I mean tea. More on the blood later.

Now while Colson Baker, a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly, desperately wants us to think of him as a “Wild Boy” and as the “Alpha Omega,” I look at him more like the 33-year-old version of the annoying drunk teenagers who just caused Ocean City to start closing their beach at night. An annoyance so full of themselves they’ll never fully grow up.

By the way, I guarantee Colson wouldn’t last one day as the real Machine Gun Kelly. That was George Kelly Barnes, an American gangster from Memphis during the Prohibition era who was given the nickname due to the Thompson submachine gun he toted. He was known for bootlegging and armed robbery and once kidnapped an oil tycoon.

2022 American Music Awards - Show
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Modern-day Machine Gun Kelly is performing in New Jersey in the fall and you can see about tickets here.

Tickets go on sale Friday at 10 a.m. You can have mine. Just not my cup of blood. You see, Kelly really likes blood.

Like the time he shared a video on Insta of him smashing a champagne flute over his own head while saying, “Bro, I don’t give a sh—!” There was soon blood.

So cool, right? Uh…no.

When he began dating Megan Fox she gave him a vial of her own blood. Yeah, cool. Then when the marriage proposal came they drank each other’s blood, according to Fox.

2022 Honda NHL All-Star Game
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“So, I guess to drink each other’s blood might mislead people or people are imagining us with goblets and we’re like Game of Thrones, drinking each other’s blood. It’s just a few drops, but yes, we do consume each other’s blood on occasion for ritual purposes only,” Fox said.

I’m so impressed. And apparently, we’re supposed to be impressed since she says the couple shares one soul in two bodies. Listen to this nonsense.

The second that I was in a room with him, I knew right away that he was what I call a twin flame,” Fox said. “Instead of a soul mate, a twin flame is actually where a soul has ascended into a high enough level that it can be split into two different bodies at the same time. So we’re actually two halves of the same soul, I think. And I said that to him almost immediately because I felt it right away.


OK, listen, buy your tickets. Enjoy the show. But me? Here are 11 things I’d rather do than see Machine Gun Kelly.

2023 Sports Illustrated Super Bowl Party
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1) Have a root canal. I’ve had several. Honestly, they’re not as bad as people say. They’re kind of relaxing and that burning smoke smell rising out of your mouth is oddly enjoyable. Enjoyable in a way “Till I Die” is not.

2) Talk to my ex. Any ex. They could tell me (again) all the lousy things about myself and I’d rather hear that than “A Little More.”

3) Get attacked by a shark. Now not killed mind you. Just one bite requires maybe a dozen stitches. I’d always have a story!

Getty Stock / ThinkStock
Getty Stock / ThinkStock

4) Get food poisoning. Look at it like a reset button for your digestive system.

5) Lose my job. At least then I wouldn’t have to write about Machine Gun Kelly.

6) Cut myself shaving then pour rubbing alcohol directly into the wound. Why? The pain only lasts maybe two minutes tops. “Bloody Valentine” lasts 3:33.

7) Have a bear maul me like in “The Revenant.” Bite, claw, gouge, just like Leo got in the movie. If MGK is playing in the background, start with the ears.

Black bear
Jillian Cooper, Getty Stock / ThinkStock

8) Have complete amnesia. I wouldn’t remember ever hearing about MGK.

9) Eat circus peanuts, liver, balut, and someone else’s tonsil stones.

10) Run out of gas at 3 o’clock in the morning in the Pine Barrens.

11) Shampoo a gorilla.

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Opinions expressed in the post above are those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Jeff Deminski only.

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