How to get rid of the lanternfly — Jersey style (Opinion)
The spotted lanternflies are getting worse in New Jersey. These little creatures brought in accidentally from China are multiplying and killing off plant life. Grapevines are particularly at risk but not cannabis in New Jersey because thanks to the slowness of our marijuana legislation, we still don't have any.
We're told the only alternative to getting rid of this colorful pest is to kill it on sight. As we all know from watching "The Sopranos," you can't kill without permission and now New Jersey is giving us permission. But for those insect lovers who take pity on the poor "widdle wanterfwy" here are some ideas:
Since more people are leaving New Jersey than any other state, maybe we can apply the same ideas to our little pesky pests. If they worked for your friends and relatives if not yourself why not the lanternfly. So here goes:
Tell them Phil Murphy is going to win reelection. Hopefully, it's a lie but they don't know that.
Find out where in New Jersey they live and make it unaffordable for them to do so
Tax whatever plants the lanternflies are eating and also the rain that waters them
Mandate that the lanternfly must show proof of vaccination in order before it can eat any plant, also force them to wear a mask in between bites.
Force them to watch "The Many Saints Of Newark."
"Play tapes of Chris Christie."
"To be honest Steve you have to approach those lanternflies from the front. Because their hate-filled little eyes are in the back of their hate-filled heads."
Brett S. Harrison:
"Spread the word it's testifying in front of the Senate Subcommittee on organized crime."
Patti Eberhardt Sharpless:
"Fly swatter works great."
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"Raise its property taxes, and it will leave New Jersey and never return."
"Dish detergent mixed with vinegar in a children’s spray gun. Bam, gone!!!"
"Give them a hot dog with ketchup on it and also let them know pork roll is not called Taylor ham."
"Like any flying bug, you spray something that’s going to wet their wings and they can’t fly temporarily, then squash."
"Eat it..they taste good."
"Step on em. They get tired as you chance them. By the 4th hop they’re too exhausted to avoid your shoe."
"Make them the Jets Starting QB."
"My buddy has a little tennis racket looking thing that electrocutes the crap out of them when you swap them. It's both effective and fun!"
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"I hear the head coaching job of either of the NFL teams is a pretty sure death sentence. Have we tried this?"
"Rolled up newspaper."
"They are just doing what they were born to do. Everyone deserves to live in peace. To a Buddhist, a life is a life no matter the size."
TREV: Shut up, Scott!
The post above reflects the thoughts and observations of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Steve Trevelise. Any opinions expressed are Steve's own. Steve Trevelise is on New Jersey 101.5 Monday-Thursday from 7pm-11pm. Follow him on Twitter @realstevetrev.