Gross! An Open Letter To That Speedo Guy At The Beach
I love the Jersey Shore for its sheer beauty. Who can stand on the boardwalk, witness a sunrise and ever doubt that fact for a minute.
There are very few things that can tarnish the sheer beauty of the place we love and call home, but one guy does it just about every time. He’s Speedo guy and it’s time for me to write an open letter to him before it's too late and we're all making this face all summer long.
Dear Speedo guy,
Why? Why do you do it? And even more importantly, who are you doing it for? Let’s break it down.
I’ll give you every bit of the doubt here and say you are in some form of decent shape (which in 9 of 10 Speedo cases, you are not), do you really think anyone wants to see this?It’s not Europe, it’s the Jersey Shore. So I’m going to answer for those of us who are strangers to you. Do we want to see you in a Speedo? Listen carefully...the answer is never.
How about if you’re trying to impress someone. Want the answer to that scenario? Try never.
And how about your significant other? Well, if your significant other does want to see you in one, you should be supplied with a permission note or else save that look for the privacy of your own home.
And what about the person who loves you more than anyone ever can...your mother? Let’s get back to that earlier answer of never, never, never.
Are you sensing the theme here? So please stop buying swimwear at the Too Much Info Mart or move to France.
Thanks for your time,
A Concerned Jersey Shore lover.