I can write, so I’m writing this. I also wrote about FTC law regarding unordered packages. Later I’ll be writing about SSA’s baby names for New Jersey. See, that’s all I can do is write.

I can’t speak.

As in literally. Cannot. Speak.

If you heard Tuesday’s show it was like an ode to Mitch Albom’s memoirs except called “Tuesdays with Gory.” Because that’s what my voice was. At times OK, at other times, many other times, really, really hoarse. I sounded like Will Arnett smoking seven packs a day with bronchitis.

Then it got worse. Way worse. I was diagnosed with acute laryngitis. I had breathing treatments, steroids. I’ve been hitting a great product called Throat Coat tea I first found out about in 2009. I sipped some blackberry brandy. All to no avail because as of Thursday my voice is literally gone.

I mean completely gone. As in not even a squeak. Nothing. Overnight I turned into a mime. (Like I wasn’t hated enough.)

It’s like in “The Little Mermaid” when Ursula takes Ariel’s voice. And I didn’t even get a sexy pair of gams out of it.

I’m so desperate for something more to try that I’ve been googling. Everything I find, honey, tea, steam, humidifiers, is all stuff I’m already waist-deep in.

I was hoping for some exotic Vietnamese trick like drinking boiled squirrel blood or applying leeches. I mean, I live near woods, it would have been possible.

I’m desperate. I’m frustrated. Oh, speaking of frustrated, I think I may be able to relate a little better to my six-year-old son with autism now. He’s non-verbal, and I’m getting a taste of just how frustrating this is to want to speak and be unable to do so. Maybe I can understand him more and that will be my silver lining in this.

So anyway, for now, no more ranting about dogs in malls or how Central Jersey doesn’t exist or how the Supreme Court had no business undermining the parole board and releasing Sundiata Acoli or how utterly stupid it is that we can’t pump our own gas.

But this will pass. And I’ll have a voice again soon. Oh, and did you hear a committee advanced this absurd legislation to put tampons in boys’ rooms in public schools? Yeah, I need my yell back.

Opinions expressed in the post above are those of New Jersey 101.5 talk show host Jeff Deminski only.

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