No Jew loves Christmas as much as I do. I love the music, the feeling in the air, the festive atmosphere, the whole season. There's only thing I don't like.

The tree.

Well, actually, I like them in other people's houses, gazing upon them at the mall and can always appreciate a really beautiful one, just not in my house.

Now granted, I've never had a tree, but I know it would be a nightmare for me for the following reasons:

  • Setting up the tree: Sounds like a lot of hassle for something that's up for a couple weeks. People put so much work into it and it's so temporary. If trees were like sofas and they stayed around all year, it would be different. But it's like cooking a gourmet multi course meal, or planning a wedding: All that attention to detail for a few fleeting hours of pleasure.
  • It's a plant: When all is said and done, it's a plant. A dead plant, but a plant nonetheless. I hate plants. I look at them and they die. Plus they belong in dirt, so they don't belong in my house.
  • Sap: The few times I've actually had the opportunity to get up close and personal with O Tannenbaum, I got sticky. And it was gross.
  • Needles: People talk about still finding leftover fallen needles in the rug during springtime. I have a hard enough time keeping my rugs clean as it is, I'd be. Wet annoyed from needles.
  • The breakdown (the most annoying): Removing, discarding, repacking, undoing, unwinding, re-storing unhanging, ew, ew, ew and ew.

So give me the Carols, the Mall Santas and the pretty Wrapped Boxes, but please. Don't make me love a tree.

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