Pizza chain selling only crust, God weeps (Opinion)
In what surely is a sign of the End of Days, Villa Italian Kitchen has announced they are selling 'Just The Crust' beginning on July 18. In a statement on their own website, not The Onion mind you, the company claims, "We know that the crust is everyone's favorite part of the pizza, so skipping straight to selling pizza crusts only seemed like the perfect idea."
Participating locations will offer the choice of Just The Crust for $2.75.
Do they have the date wrong? Was this meant for April 1st? Everyone's favorite part of the pizza? Are you freakin' kidding me?!
For the love of God tell me this is a joke. I mean yeah I eat the crust. Sometimes. But in what universe does anyone look forward to it? This story has been picked up by mainstream media all over so it appears to be true. Yet it can't be, can it?
If you culinary geniuses think people are clamoring to give you money for something you could be scraping out of your garbage cans and re-selling you've gotta have meatballs in your heads! A survey in 2015 by Pizza Inn found more than 1 in 4 people throw out their crust. While the rest of us eat it, it's the in the manner you kiss an aunt. Because you kind of have to. Grudgingly.
I would say to the pizza posers at Villa, why stop there? If you think people want to pay money to eat something more suited to slip a dog under the table, how about open a chain of restaurants that only sell parsley and coleslaw? You know, that crap 95% of sane people leave on the plate so the dumpster rats out in back of the restaurant have a sure thing.
Hell, let's sell the peels of bananas!
Oooh, how much are you asking for those grape stems?
Meatless bones anyone?
Selling only crust surely inches us closer to midnight on the doomsday clock. It's the apocalypse I tell ya.
Luke said, "There will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth dismay among nations, in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves...there will be great earthquakes, and in various places plagues and famines; and there will be terrors and greats signs from heaven...there will be money changers and charlatans who will try to steal your soul by selling you pizza that isn't pizza, crust only, crust as brittle as the hand of Satan, and the soul of New Jersey shall weep in fear."
Okay, maybe I have some of that wrong.
The point is, this abomination can't stand! Look, I'm an open-minded guy. I supported gay marriage years before the Supreme Court did. I'm fine with legalizing marijuana as long as you're not smoking it and driving. But selling crust without pizza? This is the hill I'm willing to die on! Who's with me?
NO PIZZA! NO PEACE!
More from New Jersey 101.5