NJ’s favorite pizza topping is disgusting, and it has to be a lie

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

This quote is commonly but falsely credited to Edmund Burke while historians and academics trace it most closely back to philosopher John Stuart Mill. But dis ain’t about history. Dis is about pizza. So fuggetaboutit!

The point is, I heard something so wrong, so unholy, that I can’t sit back and do nothing. Someone must speak out.

There is a foodie website called howtocook.com, a propaganda site really, that was trying to sell America what has to be a false bill of goods. They said they discovered through Google search data the favorite pizza topping in every state.

For example, Iowa is said to be bacon. OK, I can buy that. With all the pig farmers maybe they just can’t get enough of it.

Wisconsin and Indiana are both sausage fans. Fine choice. Solid pizza topping.

A little boring for Vermont’s favorite pizza topping to be “extra cheese” and that’s not even a topping. That’s just … more cheese.

But once I discovered what they claim is New Jersey’s most preferred pizza topping I knew we had charlatans afoot. This otherwise innocent seeming site says New Jersey’s most popular pizza topping is pineapple.

Bull$#!t.

Wrong.

No.

Not possible.

This subversive propaganda clearly intent on dividing a nation even has the temerity to claim pineapple is the second most favorite topping among states with nine others jumping aboard this unholy union of pizza and fruit. The only topping favored by more states is pepperoni with 12.

This is New Jersey. You can’t fool us. We even finally stopped Bob Menendez’s lies for crying out loud. You think you’ll ever convince us Hawaii pizza is acceptable? Get the hell out of here.

When you walk into a pizza joint that sells by the slice and you see those premade pizzas in the glass counter case to choose from, what are you seeing most? You’re seeing pepperoni and sausage. You’re seeing sausage and mushrooms. You might even be seeing some penne.

What are rarely to never seeing? Pineapple. You know why?

NO ONE WANTS PINEAPPLE ON THEIR PIZZA!

These studies drawing conclusions from Google searches must end. Did it occur to anyone that maybe a lot of people in New Jersey searched pineapple on pizza because they hate it and want to mobilize an army against it?

Next you’re going to ask me to believe 1 out of 12 people eat their pizza with a knife and fork.