Because American needs everything spelled out, the CDC recently had to mansplain how long to wash your hands during the novel coronavirus outbreak. Just saying 20 seconds wouldn’t do because apparently it’s too hard to count to 20 in our heads. So they recommended singing the Happy Birthday song in your mind twice.

We knew this would get old real fast, so we opened our phone lines Tuesday for some far better suggestions.

Some were whimsical, like the guy who thinks singing the "Heat Miser" song from The Year Without A Santa Claus would be ideal.

I'm Mr. green Christmas
I'm Mr. Sun.
I'm Mr. Heat Blister
I'm Mr. One Hundred and one
They call me Heat Miser
Whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch.
I'm too much!

Then there’s the guy who called in clearly wanting to be the next Weird Al. His was a parody of "My Sharona" by The Knack.

Ooooh I’m washin’ washin’ hands,
I’m washin’ hands, oooh I’m
washin’ hands so DIE CORONA

Then there was the woman who ironically called in a final verse from "Black" by Pearl Jam (ironic since Pearl Jam just canceled the first leg of their tour due to coronavirus concerns)

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, oh can't it be mine?
Ooh, ah yeah, ah ooh

Kylie was thrilled when a women called in suggesting Broadway show tunes.

He had it comin'
He had it comin'
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would have done the same
Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

My personal idea was "Sweet Child O’ Mine" by Guns N’ Roses.

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

But the scariest part of the hour is when a woman called in the chorus of Barry Manilow’s "Copacabana" and it quickly devolved into Joe V and me in an awful duet.

At the copa (co) Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the copa (co) Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the copa they fell in love

Perhaps an egg timer on your sink wouldn’t be a terrible idea.

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