Fake news we wish were true in NJ
The following is satirical and completely 'fake news'.
Major developments took place in New Jersey over the weekend that should have a long lasting impact on life in the Garden State. At a special meeting of the board of directors at the New Jersey Turnpike Authority, it was unanimously agreed that no further bonds would be issued now or in the future as no further major work or expansion on the Turnpike or Parkway needed to be done.
"It's finally finished. What we began in the 1940's finally is complete today. Other than fixing potholes when they come up, we see the years of remaining in debt through floating bonds to cover improvement as finished," said Executive Director Joseph W. Mzorek. "This of course means by law the road has now been paid for and the tolls we be lifted. After all, a deal is a deal."
He went on to explain all E-ZPass transponders should be held onto for out of state travel, but no more toll money will be collected on the Parkway or Turnpike beginning immediately. In fact, the agency will ceases to exist within one year and all maintenance taken over by the DOT.
"Let's face it, we got away with this farce for as long as we could. The public caught on decades ago to the fact the roads had already been paid for ten times over, and this gimmick of remaining in perpetual debt to extend the toll collection and extend all our cushy jobs has run its course."
Mzorek says he'll have to think of what he'll do now that his career is over with the money grubbing agency. Reports indicate he's thinking of either joining Kid Rock's senate campaign, or being a roadie for Rihanna.
In other news, in a surprise move this weekend all 565 municipalities and the state legislature, governor, and largest teacher's union the NJEA reached an accord to completely revamp school funding. Home rule will be a thing of the past, district consolidation where feasible will be swiftly put into place, and bloated administration will be pared down dramatically. The result? New Jersey property taxes will be cut in half. The results will be seem immediately.
Says one New Jersey mayor, "In fact, we're thinking about returning 50% of the last five years' worth of our resident's property taxes to them just to say we're sorry. We all realize we've been screwing the public for so long and, well, I guess our consciences finally got the better of us."
Senate President Stephen Sweeney said of this weekend's major concessions, "I think we all just got tired of the game. We as a body that is supposed to serve the public could only act like pricks for so long. It wasn't even fun anymore. We finally sat down and said, 'You know what? New Jersey is going to tank if we don't get property taxes under control.' I mean sure, it's what we were supposed to be working on for years but we finally decided to do it. I have to admit, as shocked as I am to hear myself saying this, it kind of sort of felt good to finally do the right thing!"
Finally, in an act sure to boost his approval rating from an anemic 15% to 18% where Florio was at his most hated, the least popular governor in modern history announced that he will leave office early to pursue a comedy acting career.
According to Chris Christie, "Hey, with the tolls coming down and property taxes and school funding fixed, why risk one more bad poll? Better to move on on a high note." Christie, featured in countless hysterical memes after Beachgate, says he's been making people in New Jersey laugh for years now and that it's time he did it on purpose and get paid.
"I was always a fan of another Chris...Chris Farley. If I could pick up where he left off I'd be in a good place." The soon-to-be-ex governor says plans are already in the works for him to star in a remake of Tommy Boy called Tubby Boy. Plus another reboot going by the working title of Mendham Ninja.
The announcement of an early departure by the governor drew thousands into the streets. People joined hands and sang that creepy joyous song they sang in Whoville at the end of the Grinch. That, combined with the news of no more tolls and a major reduction in property taxes caused the heavens to open up, sunlight to pour down, birds to take flight, and triple rainbows to appear across the Jersey landscape as finally, all was right in our world.