Dear Stick Figure family,

I hope you have a stick chair that you can sit down on for a moment, because this will come as a huge shock to you. I don't know of any gentle way to say this. We as a community are tired of you. We would like you to move away. Far away. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable on your own stick figure island with other wacky, self-absorbed narcissists. You can have little stick get-togethers, little stick play dates for your little stick kids.

Who by the way are never as wholesome and healthy and kicking the soccer ball as they are represented on your rear window. When your kid gets out of the car he looks sullen and has his head buried in a Nintendo 3DS. Your real life little girl doesn't have perma-smile and isn't skipping a jump rope and her hair isn't bobbing up and down in stick pigtails. It's half died pink and she's rolling her eyes behind your stick figure back, mom. She's four years away from smoking a stick blunt.

So please, just stop. No one cares. No one cares that you have a spouse and have two kids and perhaps two dogs and a cat. Should they start making stick figure disorders/diseases too? So you can represent on your back window that you are anemic and that your son has terrible acne? If you're going to represent your life to a world that doesn't care about it why not go all the way, right?

I know you want the world to believe your family is perfect. Trust me, the world knows there is no such thing. The only one who thinks the stick figure family on your window is funny and endearing is you. The rest of us think you're an idiot. So please, grab yourself a stick razor and right this terrible wrong.

Sincerely,

Jeff