Why NJ (and Patrick) would perish in a zombie apocalypse: So few guns
If you ask the experts over at Estately — because, apparently, there are experts in this sort of thing — New Jersey residents aren't particularly likely to survive a zombie apocalypse.
Why? Well, the Estately folks, in their about-as-scientific-as-you'd-expect-a-zombie-study-to-be research, weighed a number of factors, making New Jersey the fourth least likely to survive.
But the two that likely hurt New Jersey the most — high population density (making it a good breeding ground for the undead hordes) and low gun ownership.
That's right. In New Jersey, you can't even get away with a prop gun on a movie set without risking up to 30 years in jail. Imagine what would happen if, for instance, you tried to barricade yourself in a mall with your shotgun — the cops would cite you for transporting your gun to somewhere other than a range long before your former best friend came along to dine on your brains.
Speaking of brains — New Jersey 101.5 anchor Patrick Lavery has plenty. But he's not the world's most physical or ruthless person. That made him sound like an awfully good candidate for zombie conversion to fellow anchor and news director Eric Scott.
(Eric knows something about that topic, as a reformed zombie himself.)
"Is there one thing in particular that repels zombies?" Lavery asked Scott Thursday morning, as Scott subbed in for usual morning host Bill Spadea.
If you have to ask ... well, Patrick, that's not a great sign.
Scott suggested shooting, smashing, stabbing — not Lavery's strong points.
"I'm not a very good marksman," he said. "I think if I aimed for the brain, I would miss, and cause more chaos."
The look on Lavery's face when Scott suggested a meat cleaver was less than inspiring.
"We don't have to outrun the zombie," Scott noted. "We only have to outrun you."
A little more on Eric's zombie expertise: