Somewhere in Central Jersey there is an epic mystery unfolding. On the for free section of Craigslist, someone has offered a manual can opener that was once used by Bruce Springsteen.

The problem is...that’s all it says. Come on Craigslist poster, you can’t just leave us hanging like that. When did he use it? Is a notarized letter of authenticity available? We need a back story here! Looking for clues, I examined the picture carefully. The can opener is resting on what appears to be a red blanket. Hmm, red, as in Russia? Could this all be code for the liberal Bruce has information that will open a “can” of worms on Russian collusion and election interference? No, that’s stupid. So it’s just a can opener on a blanket. But wait! What is that in the upper right hand corner? Is that a pair of women’s striped panties? Or perhaps a woman’s sock? A man wouldn’t wear socks with stripes like that but a woman would. Come to think of it, didn’t we see Julianne Phillips model socks just like this in a photo shoot in the 80’s? And wasn’t Julianne Phillips once married to Bruce Springsteen? And who is most likely to say the least about a can opener once used by Springsteen? Someone with a painful emotional attachment to that can opener. It’s a not so well known fact that the night Bruce broke up with Julianne it was over a dinner of franks and beans. Could this be the can opener that Bruce used to open those very beans? I think the answer is obvious.

But then why would one not ask for money for such a rare Bruce artifact; the tool that touched the can of beans that Julianne ate the night Bruce dumped her? Because she wants this painful thing out of her life once and for all without any spotlight. Duh!

I should add this to my collection. But being that I already have the e-z wider box used by Brad Pitt the night Angelina Jolie broke up with him and the safety wrapper from the Icy Hot that Ray Rice applied to his knuckles the night Janay Palmer did not break up with him, I’ll let someone else grab this one up.

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