Proof Political Correctness Can Drive You Nuts During the Christmas Season

Tired of those politically correct co-workers in your office that have to ruin everything around the holidays? Do you have a co-worker that gets insulted when you (heaven forbid) utter the words "Merry Christmas?" Well here's a funny antidote that Jim found to combat all those nit-picky employees that complain about everything.

EMPLOYEE CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd starting at noon at The Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! A small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit. The gathering is only for employees.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas.  However, from now on we're calling this party our "Holiday Party". The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Christmas Party
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
Forget about the gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chinzy.  NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
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TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Christmas Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20 beigns the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party....
Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing will be allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people.  Low fat food will be available for those on a diet.  We cannot control the salt used in the food.  We urge those with high blood pressure to taste first.  There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics.
Did I miss anything?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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TO: All Employees
DATE: December 13
RE: Christmas Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
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TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 16
RE:  The #%&$! Christmas Party
Vegetarians!!!! I've had it with you people!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your %$#&*$ salad bar only including organic tomatoes. But, tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now!  I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me???!!
The Bitch from Hell
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TO: All Employees
DATE: December 17
RE: Christmas Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director