Judi — Everything is assault and men are bad, bad people
Men are bad, bad people. They have those pesky penises and lust after women. And that’s bad. And sometimes they don’t control themselves and behave badly. And that is even worse. And I think that I have the appropriate punishment for them.
I say that we condemn them all to lives of mediocrity. Just hear me out. I think I can stem the tide of the #MeToo problem/witch-hunt accusations against men of fame. Here’s my thought:
Although it’s part of the American culture to dream that one day you will be rich and famous, that dream is slowly dying for boys and men everywhere. Because these boys and men have come to the realization that if they ever do become famous they run the risk of being accused of sexual assault.
And by sexual assault, I mean today’s definition: acting in a rude and/or lascivious manner, coming on to a woman, flirting with her, or making any kind of statement or joke or gesture that is even slightly tinged with sexual innuendo.
Everything is assault now, in case you haven’t heard. And it can run the gamut from Harvey Weinstein-type behavior or Louis CK-style shenanigans and it’s all fair game. If you are a man and you are successful and/or famous, you will be hunted. You can run but you cannot hide.
If you are a male and have ever made a poor choice with a woman (even if she didn’t seem to mind at the time) made a mistake, or acted in a boorish, rude, lewd or overtly sexual manner, here’s my advice: aim low. Do not aspire to great financial success or fame, because once you achieve it, those poor choices, silly and unimportant as they may have seemed at the time, will be considered sexual assault and you will be deemed a predator and have your entire career taken away from you by the hordes of hungry accusers who can’t wait to watch another successful man knocked off his pedestal.
Ruining men has now become a spectator sport and not only do we want a front row seat, we want to be in the arena and in on the game. So once again dear men, heed my advice. Be content with a small, tidy pathetic little nondescript existence and do not aspire to greatness.
Because for many women, your greatness makes you a target-and gives them a green light to scroll back through their memory banks and decide if you ever did anything offensive to them. And if you did, and they “remember”, it’s all over for you. Let the life-ruining tweets commence!
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