Hey, NJ couples: Drop the phones and enjoy each other

Did you get "phubbed" this week?

Phubbing, also known as phone snubbing, is where one person snubs another to check a mobile phone or other device.

A new study by researchers at Baylor University finds when men and women in relationships phubb each other it tends to cause an increase in conflicts and arguments —and the result is greater unhappiness in relationships.

Researchers asked couples a series of questions, including whether their partners would hold their cell phones in their hands when they spent time together, whether their partners check their cell phones in the middle of conversations, and whether their partners look at their phones when there are lulls in conversations.

Marriage counselor Dr. Marty Tashman, based in Somerset, said many couples have precious little time to spend together,  and when one person phone snubs another, “It’s disturbing, and I think a lot of time it can be insulting.

He points out when you phubb your partner “the message that’s sent is you’re not that important, or I’m bored with you or I don’t want to spend time with you. Even though it isn’t verbalized, the behavior is saying the person on the other end is more significant to me than you sitting right across from me or going for a walk."

Tashman said generally speaking “women are more sensitive to slights than are men for sure, because women notice the subtleties and they respond and it becomes a larger part of the picture.”

He suggests if you want to improve your relationship when spending private time with your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to stop phubbing.

“This is going to be hard to do for a lot of people,” he said. "But put your cell phone out of sight and out of reach.”

He says when your cell phone rings or vibrates, ”ask yourself, 'What will happen in my life if I don’t take this call or listen to a message for an hour or two?' But if you do have to take a call, make it short.”

So if you get phubbed by your partner, what should you do?

“Rather than stuffing it down and ignoring it, have a frank discussion with your partner, have an open discussion, and talk to them about your concerns and come to an agreement," Tashman said.

He says we now live in a “microwave” society, where everyone is in a hurry, a time when we we’re bombarded with media messages, “and so we’ve developed a defense mechanism not get lost in any one thing, and part of that is a short attention span, so hop from one thing to another and that experience is transferred over to a relationship-  spending time focused on another person can be hard.”

Tashman stresses how you deal with the phone issue is really symptomatic of how you deal with other conflicts.

“If you want a relationship to have staying power,” he says, “it’s really important to make your partner feel like they’re valuable, and that a cell phone is not more significant than they are.”