At first glance these mansions look like a dream. Something anyone would be thrilled to live in. But look a little closer and you'll notice: they're hideous.

There are so many beautiful architectural designs in New Jersey homes, especially in these Tony areas. These homes, specially with their price tags, unfortunately miss the mark.

Kinda makes me happy to live in my dumb cookie-cutter center hall colonial. At least it makes sense!

  • 1

    46 Berkery Place, Alpine, NJ


    Check out this this boxy, dark Alpine, NJ nightmare which boasts hideous brown stone. Narrow stacks of windows evoke a prison. For $3.1 million, they could've gotten a more creative (and less depressed) architect.

  • 2

    16 Schaffer Rd, Alpine, NJ


    $4.395 million is a lot of money and they certainly got their money's worth with this house design. It's a LOT of ugly. Also in Alpine, there's way too much going on in this contemporary manse.

    That Center post jutting out is offensive and looks like an afterthought--like they shoved it there in the middle to prop it up. It's an an architectural nightmare trying to be a mix of modern and something else? But failing at it all.

  • 3

    4 High Mountain Drive, Montville, NJ


    Another chapter in my new book entitled "Please pick an architectural style and stick with it", here's an example of someone having so much money they didn't know what to do with it.

    This is in gorgeous Montville. One side is colonial, one side geometric and modern with hideous mismatched windows that make no sense. And some kind of unsightly glass ceilinged room at the top that easily could've been hidden on the side or at the back.

    You can't just mix together every type of house you've ever liked! Well, you can, but look what happens!

  • 4

    7 Hemlock Dr, Alpine, NJ


    For over $5 million, you can buy another awkward mix of styles. Here are modern windows with several different exterior finishes going on.

    The mix of square windows and arched windows and then that dumb little round one stuck up there for no reason? Then those pretentious quoins stacked along either side of only one part of the house?

    No one ever said a house had to be symmetrical, but at least both sides of the main entrance should be from the same planet!

  • 5

    38 Rio Vista Drive, Alpine, NJ


    And now the piece de resistance, on our little ugly mansion tour — and once again, Alpine is the offender.

    Over $17 million worth of hideousness. Again, Georgian, Greek, Federalist, Roman, a little Spanish thrown in for good measure?

    What are those smokestacks sticking up on the sides? Make it stop!