• Garbage - Clean up before you go. Everything. This means straws. Napkins. Cups. Look around you. If you wouldn’t leave it on your front lawn, don’t leave it on the beach!
  • No Spitting in the Sand - you would think that this was obvious but you can’t even imagine how many people bring up great quantities of whatever is in their lungs and deposit it on to the beaches. Most people would rather step in a flaming cigarette but then a lougee. Don’t do this.
  • No Canopies and Tents - if you feel the need to bring your own little gazebo to the beach you have to know that it will be blocking other peoples view, as well as getting in the way of people’s path around you. If you feel you must bring a gazebo because you feel somehow otherwise unsafe, park your tent in the back of the beach not in the front. This is a no-brainer.
  • Do Not Feed the Seagulls - Even if you think these sky rats are far away enough that they won’t be bothering other people, remember that they digest whatever you’re giving them very quickly and that that will be deposited on your fellow beachgoers tout suite.
  • Beachspreading - as covered in the media, beach spreading is a no-no. You can’t bring a California king size comforter and take up the entire beach for you and your sweetheart, especially on a busy day. It’s just rude. If you need that much room on a beach, you’re going to have to save up for some beachfront property or fly off to a deserted island.
  • Personal Space Violations - On a weekend that’s very busy I’ll give you five feet from the nearest beachgoer. Otherwise 10 feet is the minimum setback from anybody else’s chair. Why sit on top of someone else, especially when there’s an entire beach out there? And if you came too late to get a good view, I’m sorry, it’s the back row for you.
  • Sunscreen - Yes we know you gotta spray it. But please be aware of your surroundings when you do. Maybe I am biting into a burger and now it has to taste like banana boat sunscreen. Go far far away when you spray.
  • Baby Bumps - Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Hugely pregnant bellies are debatable. Some people think they are gorgeous, others find them unsightly. I’m sure your baby daddy thinks that it's a beautiful mound and your belly with the stretch marks, the misshapen belly button and the unsightly effects of that wonderful miracle growing within you. That’s your private thing. I don’t want to look at it. Passed a couple months pregnant, cover that up.
  • Nudity - There’s an age limit for nudity on the beach. And that limit is about one year old. Anybody older than that should be covered up. I know you think your four-year-old is adorable with his cute little butt or whatever. But we don’t. Wash and change your adorable little kids bodies near your car or in your car or wait till you get home.
  • Music - Not only should you not be able to play loud music on the beach, you shouldn’t be able to play any music at all. The modern era has brought us the miracle of headphones. Use them. Would you play your music out loud at a restaurant? If you must bring music to the beach and you don’t use headphones, keep it very very low. I don’t care if it’s my favorite band, if I want to hear music I’ll pop my own headphones in.

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